Sunday, January 26, 2014

Gave it to a cop!:

Well, I did it!  I wanted to mail the German Shepherd portrait to the Police Station mostly because I get so intimidated by people in person, and number two, I get embarrassed so easily, and number three, I HATE compliments.  Anytime someone compliments me on my art, I get really uncomfortable.  A compliment on anything really.  I'm just not good at recieving compliments or thank you's or anything like that.  I like doing stuff for people all the time but I'm never very good at being on the recieving end of it. I never have been.  When people write them to me it's easier, because I just say the same thing back. "Thanks ...that was so nice of you thanks again."  But if I'm in front of someone and I'm on the spot.  Forget it.  I start having an anxiety attack.  I guess I'm just not used to recieving compliments.  Growing up I remember I made hamburgers for the family once.  I was like 12. In our house it was normal for me to cook.  I had a southern mom.  Anyway,  my dad told my mother after dinner the hamburgers were good but he didn't wanna tell "her" that, because "she'll" get a swollen head."  I was always HER and SHE to him. It's funny...I wasn't aware of how much pride a 12 yr old could take in making a good hamburger, or that it could lead to massive ego trips..lol  

Oh Well if you knew my father, you'd know his idea of a thank you, or a compliment was like farmer Hogget on BABE saying..."That'll do pig...That'll do."  It was always easier pulling teeth.  I guess when people were brought up with a really low self esteem, compliments tend to make them feel extremely uncomfotable because it's unfamiliar territory.   Anyway, my friends kept telling me I should take it down there and that alone was freaking me out.  I didn't paint it to get anything in return. I  just did it because I wanted to.  So the idea of walking in there and making a big deal out of it like I was presenting someone with a six foot check in front of a onslought of cameras made me sick to my stomach. I just didn't wanna do it. I'd rather do it and remain anonymous. 
So after leaving my neighbor's house whom attached the frame to the canvas for me, I said "Screw it.  I'll just go down there and maybe I could walk in and leave it next to a counter or something then just leave."  (I swear this is me thinking) lol  Oh, my God, I didn't mention a week ago when I actually called the police department about it..  lmao.
This is cute!  Check this. (I ramble-so I'll get back to the trip down there in a sec..)
Anyway, when I was planning to mail it I needed an address to the Police Station itself. I didn't even know where the cops go...you know.  punch in...to roost. I didn't even know which building I was looking for.   Whatever. I needed a mailing address.  So I figured, do the common sence thing and get the phone book.  I called the non emergency number and a cop answered the phone..  (Now, before I say anything else you have to know I have a thing for cops...in general.)  Yep.  I watch the show COPS religiously.  It calms me down right now.  People who know me know my anxiety disorders are crazy, and it really makes me weird.  I have to do something or watch something or listen to something constantly or I get really panic stricken.  I watch movies over and over again. I like familiarity and take comfort in a non changing routine.  I also hate change unless I'm the one that's ready for it. I also suffer from extreme seperation anxiety also.  So I am relaxed and comforted in things repeating all the time, like movies, or shows, or music.  With movies, I set them on repeat in the dvd player.  I feel comfortable watching a movie like Bewitched, or Ocean's Thirteen, or ELF, or whatever I'm currently watching in the rotation right now, and I play it nonstop in my machine for like three weeks straight.  24 hours a day. When I'm not at home, it's playing for the dogs so they don't get lonely.  My Ipod is set to repeat song, so every song I listen to repeats over non stop and I listen to the same song like 100 times in a row, til I change it to something else, then that repeats.  When I find a show I'm into, I get calm and content and don't have anxiety attacks.  Like, I went through a long phase watching The Cosby Show.  Now, it's COPS.  So I watch it over and over again. Which is great because the Spike Channel reruns COPS nearly every other day for several hours at a time and then every night the CMT channel runs Cops Reloaded for a couple hours. If I don't get to watch it, I feel like I'm stressing out for some reason. I just start getting upset and don't know why.  
Hey, I never said I wasn't weird.
But anyway, all Cops are almost like celebrities to me pretty much, so I get so flustered and start geeking when I see police cars on the road around anywhere, I will damn near wreck my own car paying more attention to the cop cars than my own.  Not to mention nearly 85 to 90% of all male cops are absolutely adorable!  And I love shiney stuff, so the uniform just does it too.   My license plate even has a form of spelling that says Hi Officer.  lol  You wouldn't believe how many times I've been at a traffic light with a cop behind me with his sunglasses on looking like the Terminator with no expression whatsoever on his face, then suddenly glances down at my plates and pop out laughing shaking his head. 
So anyway, I looked in the phone book and found the non emergency number and called it.  I spoke to a guy and I told him while stammering and probably sounding like I was tweaking off about a pound of crystal meth, that I needed the address to the police station and that I had a package to send them.  He pauses for a second and says, "what sort of....package?" So now I'm really nervous. I'm thinking, holy crap they think I'm gonna blow them up.  So my next instinct was to blurt out... "Don't worry..It's not a bomb!". Because I really didn't wanna tell them what I was doing. I wanted to just send them the painting Secret Santa style and just not even take credit for it.  Just send it to them and have them be like, I wonder who gave us this.  So now I have to tell him.  I painted a portrait and I just wanted to send it to the police department.  So he says, hang on, and transfers the call and a woman now answers.  So I tell her, the same thing.  I needed to know the address of the police station.  So she tells me the address but what she's giving me is in Pittsylvania County. I'm thinking why in the hell is the police station so freakin far away? I'm in Lynchburg. ?????  So I ask her "Why is it so far?"  And she has no idea.  I said, "I called the number in my phone book, and read it back to her."  And she says, "Well, that's the Campbell County number". And I said, "well I'm supposed to be calling Lynchburg City, and I get Campbell County and a guy transfered me to Pittsylvania County?  I was talking to a guy...."  She goes, "Yes, that's my partner, he's sitting right next to me.",  So now I say, "Wait a minute...I'm confused.. I don't understand.  How is he in Campbell County and you're in Pittsylvania County and you're sitting next to each other???"  And she's now laughing and then I say,... "Honest I'm not drunk...." 
So this just keeps getting better and better.
So she says, "I don't know what happened but I'm going to give you the number for the Lynchburg Dispatch".  So I'm like, "Is that OK for me to be calling them.  It's not an emergency, and I don't wanna be interupting anybody at this hour?" It was like 9PM.  She said, "No, that's the number and it's open 24/7.  That's who you call."  So now, I'm like bouncing off the walls nervous, and I call that number and get another guy, whom I could just TELL by his voice that he was cute.   So I explain that I wanted to send a package and I was going to mail it but not right this minute because I had to wait til I got my check next month and I had to leave him with my name and he put a note on somebodie's desk that a package was arriving from me and to keep an eye out for it.  So as I'm telling my brothers about this who are absolutely cracking up at me. Bryan says, "So over the span of about ten minutes you've managed while studdering and stammering to tell these people, you have a ...package to send them, it's not a bomb, you're not drunk, and you get a check every month.....all the while the theme song to COPS is playing on the tv in the background?  
Yeah, they're gonna knock down your door in about 45 mins".  I said, "Well when you say it like that I look like a damn lunatic! Thank you very much!"
So after googling the address and looking at the earth picture of the roads how to get there. Like two miles from my house. And psyching myself up, I still decided I'd mail it.. But after I went and got some frame brackets to attach the frame to the canvas and stopped at my neighbor's on the way home to get him to put the screws in....I left their house and instead of going home, just said "screw it. I'll go."  I looked like Cameron on Ferris Bueller's Day Off debating on whether to pick him up.  "I'll Go, I'll Go, I'll Go, ...Shit. I'll Go!"  
So I wait til 9 O'clock at night and it's got to be the coldest night of the month. Plus the police station is downtown near the river and it's like 10 degrees colder and the wind is blowing.  I parked behind the building and I'm carrying the canvas, walked out the parking garage, and have no idea what to do.  The place looks like a ghost town. I'm thinking crap. I've got to walk all the way back up the hill and halfway down the street in this and take it to the front of the place.  I think I'll get back in my car...pull up front and risk the damn parking ticket.   Suddenly there was the sound of a door opening and about 30 feet away a single cop walks out a back door and is heading to the back lot.  I must have looked lost because he looked over at me and I said "excuse me".  He walks up and says "Yes?"  Oh Yeah,  he was cute too.  Must have been all of 24 years old.  A child!  lol  So like an idiot, I blurt out, "I'm looking for the Police Department".  Now, mind you, I'm standing literally right in the middle of the damn thing or behind it.  He says "yeah, it's right up there and to the right".  I'm like ..."All the way that way or up to the...I was just here to drop this off and I parked in the thing back there and I..." 
Yeah, that's how it starts....I get completely flustered. That's what happens when I get panicy.. I look like a deer in headlights and start stammering and fidgeting with my hands and go completely stupid. So he asked what I had, and I told him it was a painting I had to drop off here.  He said, "Oh, ok well, That's the way...up there and to the right.... This is the back door and you can't go in that way." Then he says,  "Who are you looking for?"  I said, "Um I don't know?".  He says, "Who is it for?"  I said, "Uh Nobody." 
Then he says, "Did somebody order it?"  I said, "No. I was just giving it to the Police Department" So I just handed it to him, stepped back and said,  "Um, well...Could you..if you're not in a hurry.. and looked at the back door." And he immediately said, "Yeah, I can take it in for you if you want."  To which I said, "Oh YES. That would be a lot better, cuz I just really didn't wanna go in there.  I just get really nervous.and I just wanted to drop it off."  And I must have looked like I was completely freaking out, plus it's freezing cold with the wind blowing, because he looked alittle confused and then says awkwardly, "It's not stolen is it?"   My eyes must have blown up like saucers, "I said,  No! I painted it... I swear! I just painted it...I just finished it...Loyd even screwed the frame on just a few minutes ago."  He was like, "lol Oh  ok....I had to ask. lol"  So I told him it was just something I painted and "I was just going to just send it to the police department and called them a few days ago and told them and they gave me an address but I just dropped it by anyway, but they said they put a note on some desk to expect it from me, and they wrote down my name."  So he's like  "Oh, so they know you're sending it?". I was like, "Sorta."   And so he looks at it and says it's really nice and asked me how long it took me to paint it, and I just blurted out "Two weeks". Kind of like Ralphie blurting out "...Football" to the mall Santa on A Christmas Story. It actually took less than a week to do. So now, I've on record freakin lied to a cop.  A cute one no less. Great, that's a damn felony!  I swear my nerves were totally shot to shit.   Then on top of everything else,  he insists on getting my name and address and phone number to give to the Chief so they can either call me or send a letter.  I said,  "Oh No No...  That's not necessary! He doesn't have to send me anything!"  I'm still thinking I should call them back and tell them it only took a few days and not two weeks.  I don't know why I said that.  I don't even remember those words coming out of my mouth, I heard them. I just don't remember saying them.
 
So that was the jest of it.  I ran back to my car and got the hell outa there before anyone else could come out of the building and talk to me. So now I have no idea what these people are thinking. I hope they don't think it's stolen.  My initials are on it and if they wrote my name down they can see the letters match so I hope they don't think it's stolen and instead just realize it was given to them by a complete idiot that paints and loves Cops..  I had another idea also.  I'm thinking about maybe doing a Dalmation portrait for the Fire Department next.  I'm probably going to need Valium though.




2 comments:

  1. You live in VA? Me too!

    ReplyDelete
  2. HI, Oh, sorry. Didn't see your comment. Yes. Va.

    ReplyDelete